…just bullshit anyway. It might just not be if only I could find a small measure of happiness, a small measure of peace… a home, somewhere to belong… but no. It eludes me, even after looking me right in the face with the promise of staying, it still eludes me. So whatever things are or could be, whatever they might or might not be… it’s all bullshit anyway and my faith, or should I say the faith I once had, is long gone and all is nothing but hollow. I’m fading… God knows, whether she exists or not, that I tried and in a small way still keep trying but the once effulgent colors who danced in the sun are now gray and faded as they lay shattered in the shadows of unfulfilled dreams whispering a silent prayer for help. I am nothing but ashes where I once was fire. It is so strange. What chains has tied my hands and feet? What force keeps me prisoner to this world of despair? How did they get here? How do I escape? I am but a microscopic drop in an ocean of time. The world will not miss me but I guess I’ll miss the world. I know I do now. I see the storm coming… and I can but watch it arise as the ground crumbles beneath my trembling feet.
…and life beats you so bad you don’t recognize yourself. When the past haunts you and the uncertain future tortures the hell of the present… What do you do? Who do you turn to?
When the heart refuses to see what the mind already knows, when the spirit fights the soul and your body dissolves to a mere vessel of imprisoned time…
When you stand with the prison bars in front if you screaming for freedom, not being capable to realize the cell has neither walls nor ceiling yet you’re still trapped.
When you stray so far from your path you’re completely lost and every night before you fall asleep an angel of death sits down besides you and smiles saying -Maybe we’ll see each other soon…
When your mind plays evil tricks, making you turn away from everything and everyone…
Where do you find salvation? Where do you find peace? How do I save myself from drowning? Can barely breath now…
What do you do when everything falls apart?
…and what’s love got to do with it?
Whoever comes up with the right answers would probably get a special Nobel price just for the plain effort. Never the less one should ever stop looking for the answers, no matter how far fetched they may seem. Why? Because love is a living thing that comes in endless shapes and forms and is so individual to a specific time, place or living being that I dare to say that there are more forms of love than there are living beings on this very planet. I have my own explanation and it goes something like this… Love doesn’t exist! Yes, you read it right but if you’re still confused, I’ll say it again; Love doesn’t exist! Why? Because love is not a word, not a painting, not a song neither is it a goofy postcard, a small red heart sticker nor a furry little puppy with a little cushion with the words “I love you” hanging from its cute little overbite. No, love is not that and it doesn’t exist there either.
Love exists only in the proof of love.
And that’s why the words themselves means nothing if they’re not matched by action and effort. Yet there are so many variations of love and the very way we perceive love and affection are so individual that there’ll always be room for misinterpretations and errors in the very essence of the communication of love. What is considered effort and proof of love for the one part, may seem like not a very big deal and even an annoyance for the other. The only way to deal with this is patience and the openness that enables us to see the other persons intentions and learn, not only to appreciate them, but also to be able to answer the communication by saying, or rather showing, that I understand that you are showing me love and I appreciate the time and effort you are taking to show me this. If it’s followed by an “I love you too!” of course that the communication is even better. And speaking of that; On a personal note I think that when you say to a person that you love him or her, it’s pretty much like when you’re saying hello or goodbye – you expect to hear the same thing in return as in the statement itself, lies a question – Do you love me too? Some say that they don’t want to say it back at the same time because it feels like aping the line. Well, I respectfully, determinedly and strongly disagree. We can probably debate all night whether it’s courtesy or not to say the words right back as in comparison to not saying good bye or hello when helloed or good byeed upon but I think that the vulnerability we expose ourselves to when we open our hearts to someone as we say those words, really calls for a soothing “I love you too!”. Come on, if you don’t say hello back to someone, it’s probably because you don’t like the fucker. This is a person you presumably love and want to make happy so what’s the big deal in saying the words right back? Unless… you’re not really sure about your feelings and therefor you figure you might wait to another day when you might feel a little more sure about your own emotions – and if not, hell – just don’t say anything! Say nothing, show nothing, make no effort – just go with the flow and enjoy the hell out of it for as long as you can. After all, if we just wanna have fun for a few moments, what’s love got to do with it?
But if you really feel love… be sure to show it while you can. Tomorrow you just might not get the chance again and there’s nothing worse than words never spoken and emotions never shown. The mutual love is something so unique and so marvelous, it should be celebrated and cherished every single moment for where there is love, there is life and where there is life, heaven reveal itself and everything becomes possible… and the words “Love conquers all!” really comes to shine.
I love you too!
When you come to the end of the rope…
Posted: 2nd juli 2011 by Gorillachimp in Diary of a Gorillachimp…you either climb back up or you jump. What lies above or below are the sum of all your actions, decisions and choices up to this point. So… do you jump or do you climb back up? Me? I’d like to climb back up but my feet are tremendous heavy right now… but I’m still trying.