The life and struggle of a Gorillachimp

…my every forged smile with a wall of despair entwined around an impenetrable castle of hopelessness where the light has fallen from grace and the darkness welcomes me with its cold embrace.

…so many hopes around me. So many broken hopes, so many forgotten dreams… so much longing to love and be loved in return… We put on our best smiles, dress up with our most beautiful words, take a deep breath and brace ourselves for the ride that once again might lead to a wall of despair… and it does… even this time too. So we put some make-up on the visible wounds, hide others under the wardrobe that in our own demising vanity gives us courage and hide the worst ones deep within our soul… and we go to battle once again… against all the injustices we blame life for make ours to bare, against all those promises that were never kept, against that unfathomable void left behind from those we loved and lost… and lacerated by all that is denied to us, we long for the day when the demons are slayed and the warm sun of love once again might shine upon us. On the horizon we see the break of dawn… but for every step closer to it, it takes another step away from us. It’s a mirage, a hallucination, a desperate whisper of a lost hope in a stormy ocean of disbelief… because the enemy lives deep within our very own core and as we slay the demons… we’re also slain part of ourselves… but sometimes we just have to die to be able to live again.

…how the turns of life dances with you, eludes you, hides from you, haunts you, rewards you… and hit you when and where you least expect it. So many things can change in a small amount of time and the sad and scary thing is that you realize after a minute that things where totally different a minute ago yet you can’t do anything to go back to that time. You know when you’re in love because you lay awake in bed unwilling to sleep knowing that reality is far better than your dreams… but when that moment passes and you’re still in love but the love is not given in return, then all you want to do is escape reality.

Every morning the first thought in my mind is of you but for a small fraction of time, a tiniest hint of a second right there when the dreams leaves me and reality hits me… there I find peace because I forgot that you left me. Suddenly, as a merciless wave of agony floods my whole being, I re-experience the loss, the heart ache, the loneliness and the ashes remaining of that who once were fire.

I saw you today and although I suspected all day that we would bump in to each other today, my heart skipped a beat as I gazed upon you. We talked for a little while but your sad eyes told most of the story. I see that your love for me is irreparable gone and once again I’m left to suffer in my loneliness. Why does this happen to me again? Why does life see it fit that I deserve this? How may I find redemption? Where do I find solace? When will this lifelong search for happiness end? What if today was to be the last day of all days? What if you knew tomorrow would never come… Would all that matters still matter then? If all were to be different, would you remain the same? Would you miss me when I’m gone or will you just like now walk away in disbelief  from the face of love? It’s only in the absence of uncertainty that real love has a chance to expand its roots and grow.

Sustained only by the tenderness of your being I willingly carried the world on my shoulders with a smiling heart. Egregiously the sense of uncertainty grew heavier till the endless burden of unanswered love brought me to my knees and shattered my world as I stood. Bewildered as the source of new memories had abandoned me I plunged into the unfathomable depths of despair holding hands with a poisonous mistress named Hopelessness. With the deafening fading echoes of dreams lost and darkness rapidly enclosing my spark of life, a fragile whisper dared to cry out with a pledge; Do not yield, please, do not yield… but the fire within me is fading and I can’t find a way to create the flames that lifts my spirit anymore. Life is an irreversible process and as such it will come to an end sooner or later. I don’t want to die happy, I want to live happy till the day I die… and as long as there is a sun… I will cast a shadow.

…is what we are. A great archipelago of man. We build bridges to other islands and for those who we really trust and love we give free passes to go and come as they please. Often the ones that really counts are the ones that stays and helps us build things of magnificent architecture and beauty. In return we offer them all of our natural resources so that they also may construct everything they might need, both by pleasure as by necessity. It’s give and receive and all about love. Crafted from the very essence of friendship and joy, the bridges grow stronger and firmer. As time passes, some islands live so closely together they all seem like one, merging to unfathomable sizes, dwarfing the greatest of continents.

Yet others who once prospered and built for the future, are now barely visible. They used up what little natural resources they had to create those true bridges we all seek but few of us ever find. With their last hope of replenish what they once had, they gave it all away. As their bridges burn and slowly plunge to the waters around them, whatever they built crumbles down and in time all that once was them will fade and be lost like tears in rain.

You came to my island and asked me to let you in. Reluctant at first, as I knew from before to safely guard my borders, I later opened up all of my land for you. You showed me your plans for our new home where the sun never sets and the rain only poured down while we were at sleep. Filled with hope I chopped down every tree, piled every stone and glued them together with my own blood to build you the castle I thought you deserved. At first you gave me everything I needed and although some storms tried to declare war, we always manage to find refuge in our love. But that was then… before THE Storm.

What seemed like small waves turned into a fury of the seas. All that surrounded us filled the air with rage and as the waters around us scour our shores, the bridge we thought was solid, started to crack. Scared and disoriented we turned back to our very selfs isolating us from each other in our own islands. It wasn’t anybody’s fault. Circumstances where to blame but how do you reason with circumstances? Day and night I tried to repair my side of the bridge hoping you’ll choose to do the same with yours. A year passed and still you would do little or nothing to unite our soils again. Ignoring my own demise I kept on building, endlessly hoping one day you’ll meet me there as I exhausted might see you finish the last steps of the bridge. But no. By mere self preservation I took what little strength I had left and turned back. As I for the first time in a long time looked back to my own island I gazed upon a sight I no longer recognized. Far away where the dreams of the beautiful and the glorious. Alone I stood in the wasteland of my own demise wondering where it all went. My dreams? My hopes? Myself? This was my darkest hour. Every breath seemed to be the last one and as I dropped my teary eyes into my shaky hands, for a moment, I ceased to exist. I realized that I no longer had anything to shelter me from the storm. And the storm was coming.

But as it’s always darkest just before dawn, someone reached out for me. First one hand, then another one and another one. From bridges I’ve built a long time ago came those who really cared and heard my silent cry for help. It was merely a whisper from a broken spirit in the night, almost drowning from the sound of the stormy waves around me… but they heard. The brought life giving water and planted strong seeds of friendship to rebuild my home and my life. Unconditional smiles and blankets of joy sheltered me from the cold nights. Slowly, the fading silhouette that was I, turned again in to a colorful being. Life rushed in my veins again. The half finished bridge still stood there representing both hope and darkness. My heart skipped a beat every time I saw it. It was time for me to burn it down, once and for all.

With my soul screaming in agony because of this deed, I set it on fire and turned away. I couldn’t stand to watch it burn. As the smoke rose in the horizon, I knew that the flames were consuming everything I once tried to build with love… piece after piece, brick after brick. Soon it would all be gone and the void after you, how ever painful, was a necessary evil for me to survive. Sadly, it took this action from my part for you to realize what you where loosing.  From your shores you shouted, yet again promising me everything while you did everything to pour water on the burning bridge. I heard your call but knew I had to stay firm. Yet you were persistent. By every means you showed me the world I’ve been craving for the last year. I decided to hear you out. One thing lead to another. Soon I was out on the burning bridge doing whatever repair I could do with my limited means. Nothing mattered but to be with you again. Hope started to arise again.

Suddenly you turned away again, your promises withdrawn and our future mortgaged once more. Left was only the offer of a vague agreement, written in the sand by a stormy sea disclosing nothing that one day, many years from now, would allow me to hold you old hand in mine. This was what you offered and as such, this was what I declined. This would only be the path to my death and that I could not agree to. The bridge has to come down, once and for all.

Still you keep calling out for me. You disguise your egoism in the question of “How are you?” knowing perfectly well that every time I hear from you, you’re twitching the blade in my heart once more. I gave you all I ever could give but for whatever reason, it just wasn’t enough or maybe just wasn’t what you wanted, I guess I’ll never know. Now, I have nothing left to give you. I can’t offer you friendship only as my feelings for you are beyond that. I can’t offer you consolation when you’re sad as I no longer can afford to give and not receive. And this all hurts because somewhere deep there’s still a dream of all the beautiful and glorious and your old hand holding mine… but I guess it’s not for us… not now…and it hurts… hurts like hell! Still…

There are no goodbyes, there’s only love… but the bridge must fall so that we may rise and live again.

I love you…