…I left this country with the pockets filled with hope and optimism. Somehow all changed and I find myself returning with a bucket of broken dreams and a mind filled with uncertainties. For a while I thought that all the wrong turns of my life had a purpose, that they all were part of a master plan in order to reach what I, for a while, felt at the grasp of my hands. Now, I simply just don’t understand. How many more failures must I go through before I get things right? I’ve lost love, I’ve lost my job, I’ve lost friends, I’ve lost my future and soon I guess I’ll be loosing my car and my home. I’m certainly loosing hope. When will the tide turn? When will things change for the better? Will they ever? How further down the drain must I be dragged in the mud of life before the light shines upon me again? It’s hard when no one wants you… It’s hard to not be wanted.
…how big that word is… how magnificent and how intimidating it is. How many failures for every success it contains, yet the word itself is the very fuel that keeps the engine running towards the conquering of our goals and helps us to overcome what ever obstacle or failure that lies along the way. Purpose… a word full of meaning made out of countless ingredients, crafted into endless shapes – all as individual as the very mind it originated from. Purpose is what defines us as individuals and lays the path to inner salvation or eternal remorse.
Some may say the purpose of life is procreation while others will proclaim that love is the only true purpose in life. I don’t know what it is anymore. For many years I thought it was to make a difference in the world- to create something that would transcend my own mortality and make a positive difference in the world. Maybe that purpose was nothing short of a delusion of grandeur – just a far too big of a dream for a far too small man. As life stripped me of my victories, one by one, what little purpose I had left diluted in to the night, not to be found again.
So what happens when the engine no longer is fueled? When the cost of success is a price we no longer are able to pay due to the large debt made out of previous failures after failures? What do we do then? How do we find a purpose when the few things that matters today are unreachable because of decisions we took in the past? What is the point of external life when the inside is merely flat-lined? I used to have a purpose but somewhere along the way it turmoiled in to a frantic haze as my own lies became the only truth I could rely on. Now, in the aftermath of yet another battle lost, little is left but remorse and the memory of a future I’ll no longer will live long enough to enjoy. As the dust settles only one thing remains clear… unless I’ll find a purpose soon, I’ll fade away and my journey will come to an end.
…do you allow you words to stab me as they do?
Why?
Why can’t you see you’re hurting me?
Why do you expect me to always be at your call yet when the tears falls from my eyes I somehow find myself alone? Why can’t you dry my eyes with love as as I do for you when you’re sad?
Why do you so vividly tell me about things from your past when I wasn’t the one who was part of it and yet expect me to rejoice those memories when you clearly should understand they hurt? Why can’t you see I hurt when you compare me to others giving them titles that once where only mine? Why do you amputate the sense of uniqueness in my heart?
Why can’t you understand my longing for you and that you would hurt too if I did to you as you do to me?
What is there left for me to give that I haven’t already offered to you? What do I lack that you so desperately seek and can not find in me? I’m standing right here… Why can’t you see I’m standing right in front of you, waiting for your slightest gesture… a smile… a word of love… a tender caress..? Why can’t you long for the world I lay at your feet, my devoted soul and many years from now, the marvel of seeing our old and withered hands still entwined?
Why can’t you see that I’m waiting for all those things in vain…
I’m building a castle with walls of despair surrounding my every forged smile yet how easy those walls would crumble in the plain sight of your now absent true love.
What will be of me when you no longer need me? What will I do when the night falls and the loneliness visits my dreams and steals my hopes? Who will I turn to then… when it’s far too late… who, when it can’t be you?
Why can’t you just let me go?
Why do you drag me back again with your beautiful smile you know I can’t live without?
Why do you give me hope when you know our ship has sailed?
Let me go.
I’m drowning… silently screaming out my pain…let me go…
Please… love me now while I’m still here…
… saying goodbye to you…
This is my way of wanting to stop the time as I will no longer grow old with you…
This is my way of wanting to take down the stars, to drain the oceans, dismantle the sun and quiet every song because they no longer matter now that my thought of everlasting love has died… so this is my way of saying goodbye to you…
This is my way of realizing our paths will no longer see the same blooming gardens along the way because where there is no seed there will never be a beautiful flower… so this is my way… of saying goodbye to you now…
This is my way of saying I’ll miss the soothing sound of your voice as the first thing to reach my sleepy ears on a cloudy morning…
This is my way of saying I’ll miss the beauty of your being I yearn to see with a hundred eyes…
This is my way of trying to forget the divine feel of your hand in mine as its memory hurts like a thousand knives… so I force myself to say goodbye to you…
This is my way of saying goodbye to all the reasons you gave me to live as much as all the reasons you gave me to die…
This is my way of saying goodbye to you because where we once where fire we are now ashes…
This is my way of saying goodbye to you.
Goodbye to all the symphonies of words I had yet to compose only for you…
Goodbye to all our future joyful moments I no longer bare to recall…
Goodbye to all the wonderful somethings that lives in everything about you…
Goodbye to all that once were us but now is only you… and I…
Goodbye my love…
Goodbye.